Follow Santa on a modern day journey
Part 1 Santa Does Duty Free https://somewhereovertheolivetree.wordpress.com/2013/11/15/santa-does-duty-free-the-christmas-chronicles/
Part 2 Santa Does Duty Free https://somewhereovertheolivetree.wordpress.com/2013/11/17/565/?relatedposts_exclude=538
Santa looks at Mother Christmas’s suitcase…bloody hell she’s got enough footwear to shoe the entire brigade of reindeers! He stops himself and deliberately tries to think of something else. Things were never quite the same after DEFRA shot and burned poor Rudolf.
Resolved to think only happy thoughts Santa sits on the lid of the suitcase and tries to close it without breaking the zip. Eight months of taking ‘ Magic Pillotion’ and you too could struggle with closing your beloved’s suitcase.
Bouncing up and down Santa desperately tries to contain the lid and co-ordinate the zip to obey the route of closure.
Hmm he thinks ‘ Magic Pillotion’ is the newest weight loss system and is available at all good outlets, distributors and stores…hurry and you too can slim so you need two of you to close your beloved’s case. He yells for Mother Christmas to put her rotund mince pie butt next to his in an effort of unity to submit the case into closure.
Grabbing his ray ban’s from the bedside table to put in his carry on bag he looks at his watch and decides that while his beloved goes off to wax her bikini bits he can relax and watch a bit of tele.
Flicking through a few channels the news chimes the hour and updates the headlines….
DONG! ‘Lorry carrying strawberries crashes on M25 and creates jam!’
DONG! ‘25 million quid squandered by Network Trains – is this the Rail price or is it more?
DONG! Pig farmers paralysed by pay cuts fight the chop
God dam it…same shit different day!
Santa, deciding its probably better to spend the extra time double checking that he has the right factor sun cream stops completely in his tracks. The news presenter complete with neutral accent, well groomed hair and specs announces that the company ‘Travel With Us’ has gone bust leaving over a million travellers stranded.
Rushing to retrieve the booking info from his carry on bag Santa slumps in his favourite armchair, adjusts his designer specs and copes with the reality of disappointment. How can this be? The company are well known and swore blind they were bonded if something went wrong.
It’s a simple misunderstanding that’s all! Reaching for his shiny new Smart Phone – that is available at a mere £19.99 a month – until the bill arrives like a cement bag on the floor, when you too can discover that a hidden clause in the contract has bled you dry and you now owe £179 quid or else! Santa dials the helpline number.
An electronic voice lists a range of options.
If you want to make a booking press 1
If you want to cancel a booking press 2
If you want to amend a booking press 3
If you want to request a brochure press 4
Deciding that nothing really fits the reason as to why he is calling Santa wonders why there isn’t an option – if you wish to speak to an actual human being don’t press a thing just wait a moment and we’ll answer on the third or fourth ring.
The electronic voice draws Santa back to the moment.
I’m sorry I didn’t get that…
If you want to make a……
Feeling irritated Santa decides to press two. Although he doesn’t want to cancel his booking but simply enquire what is happening and will he have a chance of getting his money back he decides he must press something!
The electronic voice continues…..
If your booking was made more than 180 days ago press 1
If your booking is for Syria please refer to the foreign office website as we can not accept a cancellation.
If your booking…..
Santa cancels the call. It’s useless and all that is going to happen is another hundred quid plus bill will land on the mat.
Looking at the clock Santa realises that his beloved mince pie minx will be home any minute. He simply can’t face another disappointed look on that girls face. Their all packed and ready to go! The one and only week away of the year.
Pacing the length of the floor in three strides an idea strikes him.
Grabbing a phone he dials a number….
To Be Cont’d……